Poolside gossip, my favourite.

Lady M and I. Some may call us judgemental. Others may even call us bitches.

We much prefer the terms ‘people-watchers’ and ‘social commentators’. That gives us an air of dignity we feel appropriate.

The very glamorous Lady M.

We are at the end of our 2 week flap around Koh Samui and Koh Tao and SOOOOOOOO much of our fun times have been around 'commentating' on others. It is ridiculous fun.

We both love people-watching! We come up with their backstories, we give them personalities and professions, we are Carson Cressly when it comes to their wardrobe. All in whispered tones and behind upheld hands.

For example, we spent half an hour in this town’s biggest nightclub the other night and for all of that time we tried to work out who was a prostitute and who wasn’t. We had two definites and many contenders. Prince William was there with two mates who all wore pants and loafers – the Green Mango is not the place to play posh. Three girls in front of us, we decided a church group, didn’t have a drink between them. We didn’t trust them at all and almost asked for them to be thrown out. We were aching for the Russian construction workers to undo another button for our amusement. And the poor guy who got dumped by three ladies because he couldn’t even buy their attention. So much fun.

Our biggest cause for 'discussion' this past week has been the frightful German lesbians at our resort. They seem to be following us everywhere. They are in their late 60’s. They burnt us Day 1 when they stole our umbrella and table and Lady M saw red. As Lady M says "you can’t trust anyone who doesn’t use the pool and beach in front of them but instead only the showers to cool down".

My personal favourite group has been the four unbelievably beautiful boys who arrived on Day 3. Tall, blonde, tanned, buff. Despite us sneaking around behind shrubbery to perv on them we still can’t work out their indiscriminate accent. As long as they have their shirts off I don’t care what language they speak. But there was a late entry in the 'Hot Boys of the Pool' comp who I think took out the title...

Our biggest cause for mirth has been age-inappropriate dressing – which seems to go hand-in-hand with resort holidays. Lady M has some hard and fast rules. Lets not forget she is an incredibly stylish Melbourne fashionista. Women over 45 should not wear bikini’s. Sparkly wedges on anyone over 30 is a big mistake. Brief European Speedo’s on older men is disturbing. Larger women should always wear a one piece. And these are just the rules for around the pool. On the street it’s a whole different ball game.

This town comes alive at night and it seems everyone lives out their fantasies. And of course, we ‘commented’ on it all. We’d be sitting facing each other in a restaurant and then the now familiar smirk of Lady M would sweep across her face. I knew immediately there was something for me to see. A casual turn of the head and 9 out of 10 times I could spot it immediately; a grandmother in a mini-skirt, Eastern European ladies-of-the-night, Aussie footballers in Singha singlets, English lasses in 6 inch stiletto’s on cobbled streets. Koh Samui has it all for judgemental bitches like Lady M and I.

We will miss Charlotte and her family the most though. They have intrigued us greatly poolside. Charlotte is a 3 year old; some days she was a delight, others a complete brat. But she’s a Daddy’s girl through and through and he works hard to keep his bitch-wife in the life she thinks she should be accustomed. They brought on holidays Dad’s heavily pregnant sister who needed a break for we thought she was about to become a single-mother. Than low-and-behold on Day 4 Aunty’s ‘partner’ turned up!  A brute of a man in a tight trunk who spends too much time in the gym. Well this threw us for 6. Aunty’s baby has a Daddy after all. Charlotte’s gone now and we miss her.

This is how we pass our time, coming up with stories like this.

I love a resort holiday! Especially with my dear friend Lady M.





Home time now. xoxoxo

NINJA! Best restaurant in the world!

Hands down this is the best restaurant I’ve ever been to in the world. It is also the dirtiest, the strangest and the most likely to give you food poisoning. It’s called Ninja!

One thing I’ve learnt on this trip with Lady M is that the cheapest food is also the best. She’s taken me to (loosely termed) restaurants that previously I would never have set foot in, may have even crossed the road to avoid. But she has proven me wrong time and time again. The locals know a thing or two about food, and that even though you run the risk of dysentery, the taste of the food is worth it.

But the best of the Best is a 24 hour establishment on the main drag in Koh Samui called Ninja. Its menu has the weirdest mix of dishes but we only sampled from the Thai section, and it was glorious. But it’s just not about the food at Ninja, it’s the whole package. It’s an experience. Here are all the reasons why I love it. Seriously.

12. Here is Lady M enjoying her Dunhill approx. 7m from the kitchen. Why shouldn’t smokers be able to smoke so close to other peoples food cooking.

11. Wild dogs can wander in off the street. The Slovakian backpackers at the table next to us one night even started patting them.

10. They use toilet paper for napkins. I have to say this is not unusual though in this town. We’ve even stockpiled some nights in our handbags in expectation of a toilet emergency.

9. We used said toilet paper to wipe down our table. Lady M just did her side. Here is what she found.

8. Its in a tin shed. You sweat more than at the gym (well so others tell me).

7. They serve your Bacardi Breezers in stubby holders. In this heat this means more to the patrons than air-conditioning.

6. Now have you ever seen a cleaner fridge in your life? Ignore the grime for a minute, our drinks were the coldest we had in Koh Samui.

5. This is their cash register. Yes, correct, they haven’t taken their calculators out of their packaging yet.

4. This is the cheapest restaurant in the world. The first time we went we had 3 dishes and four drinks, including squid, and it cost 411 Baht. Which is approximately $13. The second time we had 5 dishes and 4 drinks and it was 400 Baht.

3. To take down your order they write it on ripped up bits of beer carton. They then stick the pieces of cardboard in a slot with your table number on it. When you pay they just whip out the scrappy bits of cardboard to tally your bill. Now how’s that for resourceful.

2. We ordered squid where you paid by the weight. I was so confused. But they whipped out some kitchen scales (which had quite obviously been used before) slapped some squid on your table and then weighed it in front of you. They wrote the weight on a scrap of cardboard. I was beside myself. But goddamn it was the very best squid I’ve ever eaten!

1. The food was amazing. Phenomenal in fact. Especially their curries. And taste trumps the risk of diarrhea every time!

So if ever you are in Koh Samui can you please, please, please try Ninja? Just ignore all your first world concerns about hygiene and dive right in. The food will delight you and the rest will astound you.

They think I'm a Lady-Boy!

Twice in the last two days I’ve been mistaken for a Lady-Boy!

What the fuck???

I know I can be camp but I hardly think I’ve slipped into full drag with an hourglass figure. I’m hairy, rotund and can’t walk in heels.

But twice! That’s a pattern.

The first time was at this beach bar Lady M and I stumbled upon. One of those places with day beds, cocktails in a bucket and a swarm of locals selling you plastic shit. Of course I bought myself a set of pink flashing Minnie ears.

So Lady M and are lounging with our Sea-Breezes when this annoying 10 year old little pretty girl comes up to us again. And again, I said ‘No thanks’ to whatever she was selling.

“You a Lady-Boy!” she says to me.

I turn to Lady M, “Wha…?”

Lady M whispers… “She called you a Lady-Boy”

The little girl points at my Minnie ears and then says…

“…Yeh, and you’ve got boobs!”

Then she grabbed my man-boob. Twice.

HONK! HONK!

I nearly died, I was completely mortified. Lady M was hysterical. She nearly passed out from laughing so hard. In fact, she’s still laughing about it today.

The second time was a little more subtle. I went to a rather up-market spa, well up-market for Koh Samui, for a much needed facial. I needed to reverse the signs of aging caused by the sun. Gay much???

I chose a lovely after-sun care package. The treatment was spectacular. I loved every second. Layer after layer of moisture. I didn’t even mind her squeezing my blackheads on my sunburnt nose. But then towards the end it started to get a bit weird and there was some giggling from the girls behind me.

It felt like she was painting my face. Then I thought “Surely not, is she putting foundation on me?” but I was too embarrassed to say anything.

Next came a powdering. Then some colour to the lips.

I was laying in the chair thinking I’m gonna look like Bozo the Clown and was dreading looking in the mirror. Truth be known when I finally got to look in a mirror I kinda loved my new flawless complexion, shading and lip colour.

On exiting I checked the brochure and it said ladies get a light make-up with the treatment. Did they think I was a lady? Surely not. So they must think me Lady-Boyish.

Now I know I’m currently sporting a brilliant Smurf-blue nail polish and never go anywhere with out my headband but surely this doesn’t completely over-ride my extreme masculinity. I wasn't even wearig my new gorgeous Moo-Moo.

Perhaps there is a little Lady-Boy in me after-all.

Amateur drag here I come.

Four days of Feral.

Lady M and I went feral in Kho Tao. Washing, brushing, hair product, deoderant all became optional extras. To show how feral, this was our conversation on our final night.

“Lets get all posh for our final night, get all dressed up and wear underwear and a t’shirt.”

“Yeh, lets get all dressed up. Why don’t we even wash our hair!”

See so things got a little feral in Kho Tao. But we were just going with the flow, it’s that sort of place.

Kho Tao is basically a fishing village in the middle of bum-fuck no-where that has a beautiful beach and even better weather. But it’s a flight and a 3 hour ferry ride to get to from any major city. So tourism is slow on the uptake here. It’s the place you go when you want to cut yourself off from the world, isolate yourself, and it is truly brilliant.

It’s full of gorgeous German and Scandinavian backpackers, wannabe divers and the rejects from The Only Way Is Essex. All young. And everyone is ridiculously tanned, and I mean EVERYONE.  I think once people get there they can’t be bothered leaving again. Or wearing clothes. Formal dressing for most means putting on a singlet. And of course there’s the incredibly friendly locals who’d do anything to keep you happy and spending your cash.

There are no resorts, none of the chain hotels. Lady M has been a few times before so she is practically an expert. She booked us into these huts where you had to specify that you wanted hot water, television and a toilet. We had the posh huts in the posh resort. We found a frog in our bathroom. The shower only had one tap. There was no roof above the shower. The television only intermittently worked. Wifi was slower than Cliff Young.

But you just give yourself over to this place. Embrace it. We spent our days just laying around in the sun, reading good books. We’d stroll along the beach the 400m into town to get lunch, stroll back for some more sun. Afternoon nap before heading back into town for cheap as shit massages, more food and cocktails.  Talk about recharging the batteries.

The food was unbelievable. Seriously unbelievable. Now I love a curry and these were the best I’d ever eaten. And just such simple food. If these restaurants were anywhere else in the world I would never step into them. But they were amazing. And so cheap. Each night the two of us would dine with cocktails and it would be less that $AUD10 - FOR THE TWO OF US!!! Unbelievable.

So I’ve had my head massaged, my feet (numerous times), a back/shoulder/head combo, full body oil and full body Thai. One place we went to literally left us bruised but you can’t really complain for $8. In fact I still have a sore neck from that woman, she was 4 foot 5 but with the strength of the Thai army. Lady M was shell-shocked after hers, she’s a delicate flower. She is from Melbourne.

If only they knew we probably hadn’t showered or brushed our teeth in days. Too unhygienic to be touched.

The absolute highlight was the final night. We’d been such nanna’s ‘recharging’ that we were in bed by 10pm most nights. We wanted to cut loose and stay out till midnight!  There’s all these beach bars set up with bean bags and cushions where they serve cocktails by the bucket – not even joking.  We got prime position cause us nanna’s got there so early so we were suitably drunk but the time the party kicked in. And the fire-twirlers.

So much fun pretending we were 24 again. I was completely overdressed wearing a t’shirt but still we made friends. Well, Lady M did. She made friends with a complete wanker English toff who it turns out was on Australian Princess. He said he couldn’t come to Australia cause he was so hated, he knows cause he Googles himself. Lady M goes “No, not at all. No one would know who your are.” SHUT HIM DOWN.

I was obsessed with the fire-twirlers. Especially when they took off their shirts. Sexually frustrated much? I took about 1000 photos. May have been because they were so damn cute or it could’ve been the 20 Sea Breeze’s. By the end of the night Lady M and I were so sure they could win Thailand’s Got Talent.

We stumbled back down the beach just after midnight – thank god we could find our hut, a small miracle considering they all look the same. We were very self-congratulatory about being so wild and crazy and staying out past 12. When Lady M I first met we’d go home after Day 2. We’re so mature now. We may not wear underwear but we no when to call it quits.

Poor Lady M though. She had the dreaded south-east Asian bad prawn and became more ridiculously ill than I’d ever seen anyone. Hit her like a ton of bricks. And the worst of it was that we had to get on a boat in crazy winds for the 3 hour trek back to Koh Samui. The good part was she was so exhausted she passed out. She slept through 40% of the boat vomiting! It was truly hideous. Everyone from the kids to the German lesbians were throwing up. I found solace on the top of the boat and it was a truly beautiful ride from there. This part of the world is STUNNING!!!!!

So now we are back in Koh Samui. Back in the lap of luxury in a 5 Star resort where I believe we rightfully belong. We’ve showered, cleansed, brushed, moisturised, plucked, flossed, deoderised and buffed ready for the mean competition of day bed position selection.

Yep, we’re having a real tough time this holiday.

P.S. Lady M bounced back in under 16 hours from her food poisoning! Nothing two swims, a club sandwich and a massage couldn't fix. She did avoid seafood on the menu tonight though.

No Wifi! No Internet connection! Can I survive?

I've just broken out in a cold sweat.





Just learnt our next destination on my little holiday tour of Thailand has no WiFi or internet connection. I feel like I'm in an episode of the Flintstones.





I ache for the witty Twitter banter and knowledge of world events I know I am gonna miss. To say nothing of internet porn.





I am genuinely nervous this could send me crazy. Thank god I've got some sleeping pills to calm my nerves.





So forgive my absence from all good on-line society for the next 5 days. I'll be back with even a more desperate need to overshare than ever before - be warned!





But don't feel too bad for me, this is where I'll be.

I think we have an outside toilet.

Lots of love from the islands of Thailand, xoxoxo





St. Murphy

A Singapore Fling!

I love food. I love food in Singapore.

I love shopping. I love shopping in Singapore.

In 48 hours I had 4 of the most beautiful meals and each time I ate myself to six-months pregnant. Passers-by were sure my stomach must have been an immaculate conception cause, you know, I don’t have a uterus. After each meal I looked a lot like E.T.

The first was Italian, a rather posh restaurant called Senso in the cutest little area on Singa’s. The lobster lasagne was the absolute highlight. And some very strong vodka’s and a spectacular bread basket. Really regretted not getting a simple pasta with truffle oil for entrée, that rocked the table. Wait-staff assisted me and my stomach from the premises.

The second was a ‘best of’ the hawkers at a set-up called “Gluttons Bar” down on the harbour. Well I have never been so gluttonous in my life. ½ kg of pork belly (that’s how it was listed on the menu, no joke!), chicken wings, noodles, satay sticks, some omelette thing and a fried carrot cake that disappointingly had no carrot but goddamn delicious. One of the best meals I’ve ever eaten, ever, and I think it was well under $20 bucks.

The third was dumplings. So many dumplings. So many delicious gorgeous beautiful sexy dumplings. I clapped at the end of the meal much to the horror of Lady M and Mrs Daffy. I could have gone another round of dumplings but my t’shirt was already stretched. I miss you already my beautiful dumplings.

The fourth was a big ol’ chicken fry up at the airport. Lady M and I were quite frazzled by this point as we had just discovered that between us we had over 50kg of check-in luggage and were still carrying about 15kg as carry-on. We are not sure how this happened. We just spent only the one day shopping….

Anyway we could see the KFC, we dreamed of eating the KFC but be fucked if we could get to the KFC. We gave up when we again found ourselves on the wrong mezzanine so settled for KFC’s bastard child Texas Chicken. It was only a 4 out of 10 but still I ate 4 pieces and a large chips. Nothing like a crispy skin fry-up at an airport when you are at the end of a long day.

I love food.

I’m still not sure what the hell went on at Orchard Rd today. It is a labyrinth, a giant maze of underground tunnels, just rows and rows of beautiful shops. SO MANY SHOPS! There were 3 Louis stores within 200m. Surely no one needs that much Louis. And Chanel. And Prada. And Gucci. All my favourite things to look at in kinda a sado-masochistic “you can’t afford any of this shit” sort of way. Damn my self-control though, just picked myself up some little trinkets…

But so many fab things that I wanted to buy but thought better of it. Novelty shopping can not be afforded on my current budget restrictions. I really wanted this Douche Wash.

Now where I come from Douche means something that I DO NOT associate with a face wash.

And some Man Spanx for the middle-aged gut! Every once of self control I had to be employed to not buy these. If maybe I used my gym membership I wouldn’t need these Spanx. But at least I know they exist if my gut-crisis gets any worse.

Now this one is for Aschappelle. Wanted to buy this for him but buying presents for your ex-Boyfriend should surely not be a priority when you already have a dwindling budget. Aschapelle loves a smokey eye, and he’s been known to dabble in make-up artistry with our female friends. I thought this genius little kit could have saved himself and his female victims a world of pain.

Ahhhh Singapore, you were brief but spectacular! I gained 5kg around my waist and a good 7kg in my luggage. All in only 48 hours. Now that’s impressive.

Now off to Koh Samui.

Just the biggest and most sincere thank you to Mr & Mrs Daffy for their unbelievable hospitality and for being the best tour guides in the business.  And of course their little angels Emma and Zara. Thanks so much for having us guys! xoxoxo