Severe Identity Crisis!

Just a quick look  back over some of my blog posts lately and it’s a mix so turbulent it could make you sea sick– electrical appliances, poolside gossip, family stuff, a Bear party, boozey nights, food, gay marriage and Lady Boys. Now that’s an identity crisis.

I’m so confused as to what I’m doing here. I need your help!

There are Mummy Bloggers, Food Bloggers, Tech and Gadget Bloggers, TV Bloggers, Fashion Bloggers, Business Bloggers… all make me feel like the outcast kid sitting alone at the lunch table. I don’t fit in.

I’ve always thought that when I grow up I want to be a Mummy Blogger. They are so cool and have got their shit together. A real community. They have stories about the most random stuff but it all seems to make sense for their page. They are hilarious, insightful, brutally honest and direct. Me, while I do love a penis its clear I don’t have fallopian tubes. Therefore, me no can be a Mummy Blogger as I’m presuming one of the defining characteristics is being a Mummy.

While I certainly care for my Little Sammy like you would a child, he has four legs not two. Doesn’t quite cut it. Perhaps I could be a Dog Daddy Blogger?

Any excuse to include a pic of Little Sammy

Another key factor in my identity crisis is that most of my blogging buddies are Mummy Bloggers. Its bad enough I’m a minority in the real world without being one online as well. I go to Mummy Blogger functions and conferences and stuff, usually as a Mummy Bloggers Plus 1. My three best-blogging-bitches - Mrs Woog, StylingYou and Edenland - lead me through this world and I am their fabulous-gay-best-friend. Perhaps I should become a Hag Fag Blogger?

The stuff I write about most is gay stuff. Truth is, being as camp as Xmas leaves me very little room to move on this one. I lead a particularly homosexual lifestyle. Even my home is called Man Pit. In fact all the best homo stuff I can’t write about here cause it would put hairs on the chest of my Mummy Blogger mates. I’m sure the wider blogging community doesn’t want to hear about Grindr, gay porn, ManHunt, seedy bars, bad one nights stands, etc. Could possibly also paint me as somewhat immoral (coughs, chokes) which would hardly be true.

I wanna be a Gay Super Hero

But it is undeniable there is a very big gay theme running through this blog like a feather boa on the Mardi Gras dance floor. Its what I know best. It’s why I call myself a professional homosexual – I love the ambiguity of that tag! Professional could mean either ‘has a career’, ‘very good at’ or ‘slutty’. I’ll leave it up to you to define for yourself. So probably the most apt description is a Professional Homo Blogger.

I’m also deeply passionate about gay marriage equality. I write about it a lot and that is only going to increase over the coming months in the lead-up to the Labor Party National Conference and CAAH Rally on Dec 3. I’ll be flying the Rainbow flag high and proud between now and then. AND I’ll be expecting lots of support from the blogging community. So this subject leaves me thinking I should be a Gay Activist Blogger, at least for the next 3 months.

Strangely, when I first started this blog 6 months ago, I thought I’d be writing about television (my great love) and pop culture (my great weakness) a lot more than I have. These subjects have lost relevance just like Britney Spears. It seems they just don’t hold my attention like I thought they would. I got too much other shit to talk about. So sadly Television Addict and Pop Culture Victim should not be on my calling card anymore.

So where does that leave me?

Gay as hell, that’s where it leaves me.

So I think from now on I am going to define myself as a Professional Homo Blogger. I’m gonna rally the troops of other Gayers and start our own little community. We may not be as numerous as my dear friends the Mummy Bloggers but goddamn I bet we could match them in vodka consumption and shopping skills.

So my questions for you my lovely readers… 

Have I solved my identity crisis? 

And do you know any other Professional Homo Bloggers?

No Wifi! No Internet connection! Can I survive?

I've just broken out in a cold sweat.





Just learnt our next destination on my little holiday tour of Thailand has no WiFi or internet connection. I feel like I'm in an episode of the Flintstones.





I ache for the witty Twitter banter and knowledge of world events I know I am gonna miss. To say nothing of internet porn.





I am genuinely nervous this could send me crazy. Thank god I've got some sleeping pills to calm my nerves.





So forgive my absence from all good on-line society for the next 5 days. I'll be back with even a more desperate need to overshare than ever before - be warned!





But don't feel too bad for me, this is where I'll be.

I think we have an outside toilet.

Lots of love from the islands of Thailand, xoxoxo





St. Murphy

10,000 Tweets! But what has it got me?

I’ll tell you EXACTLY what it has got me!

SimieBoy and St. Murphy

Some of the most fantastic new friends that a dirty middle-aged poof could ask for.

And a Tweet from the Premier! I kid you not. Last night I got a very eloquent but full of sexual innuendo Tweet from Barry O’Farrell after my 10,000^th… “congrats!” he said to me, simply “congrats!”. He recognises my 10’000^th tweet but not the equality of my relationships. But now’s not the day to bang on about that. Today I’m just happy for the Tweet.

So what was my 10,000^th tweet I hear you beg, after much thought and many drafts it was this…

“10000th: Have met the coolest, funniest, most gorgeous people on Twitter, & now they're my dear friends! Will be forever grateful to Twitter”

If you had said to me 12 months ago that I would be meeting people over the internet I would have laughed in your face. I’m a nanna at heart, can be strangely conservative and I’ve been too lazy to make new friends the last few years. And besides, I loved my friends to death and didn’t feel I needed anymore.

Damn I was wrong being lazy. And narrow-minded! Another one of my judgemental characteristics I am ridding myself of.

Yesterday was a very opportune time to hit the milestone of 10,000 tweets as it comes after a weekend where I spent all my time socializing with people I’d met on Twitter. And it was a weekend chockers full of booze and crazy laughs, all with my Tweeps.

ShaunHeron, Arrjaydub, McCraigyDimples, St. Murphy, MatthewJFraser, Lucky Paulie, Mikey & Josh10Murphy

There’s a reason we all look like we are possessed by the Devil…

Lets talk about Friday night. Lucky Paulie (long-time Inner Circle) and I decided to organise a Power Gay gathering on Twitter – a mix of old friends, people we’d recently met and people we wanted to meet. All up, there was a lot of meeting for the first time going on. We quickly changed our moniker from the Power Gays to the Gay-stapo – I think because we were so militant in our homosexuality. The Gay-stapo took over the Inner West.

We even hashtagged it in true Twitter style, #Impie0107. Within 5 mins we were telling dirty stories (or maybe that was just ShaunHeron and I?) and within an hour we were being debaucherous (or maybe that was just ShaunHeron and I?). Arrjaydub, McCraigyDimples and Uueaver are three retiring wall-flowers who shyly join a party… and I’m Pinocchio!

Lucky Paulie, McCraigyDimples and Arrjaydub

MatthewJFraser, or as I like to call him The HYS-terical Matt Fraser, is the best thing to come out of Newcastle since coal. Josh10Murphy is not one to let a brain tumour stand in the way of a good time, and that is with not an ounce of exaggeration. Mikey Morrow was allowed to play with us even though he’s not on Twitter, we talked slower for him. We had an absolute ball! Next outing is #Impie1507 or #Impie1607, still to decide. All are more than welcome to join us.

Lucky Paulie and Arrjaydub

Then I squeezed three costume changes into an over-nighter for a few days in Melbs. It was a work trip but managed to schedule some Twitter-vodka’s cause I’m nothing if not professional. My first ever Twitter-date was with Melbourne’s hottest gay-royalty couple from the ‘burbs, SimieBoy and Milney01. Milney01 ditched me for his offspring – go figure! - while SimieBoy ‘forced’ me to go to The Greyhound for some disco-dancing. I wore black cause I was in Melbourne.

The Greyhound

It was with great pleasure, and some pain, that I met 3GreggyD for the first time. Classic example of when you find someone with the same warped sense of humour on Twitter it translates beautifully to real-life. I loved him like you do the straw in your first vodka, lime and soda. We all met for brunch the next day and the divine Milney01 joined us, but the absolute highlight was the Parisian French toast served with a delicious side of LoveMissLee. LoveMissLee is adored in Melbs like Barbra, Bette or Kylie. I fell under her spell too.

Goddamn I love Twitter and the people it has brought into my life!

And there is no way I can write a commemorative 10,000^th Tweet post without mention of the four legs of my Twitter table… The sublime Woogsworld, the beautiful StylingYou (Twitter-Date No. 2), the fit-inducing JoThornely and the Junior St. Murphy, En_Gy (Twitter-Date No. 3). Life without the allegedly-witty banter of you guys would be like life without television – POINTLESS!!! I also have a big old Twitter-crush on LaurenMC and JoshCilento, a big old crush (and just a little gay one on CuriousSpecimen).

Woogsworld & JoThornely

En_Gy

StylingYou & moi

JoshCilento & LaurenMC

St. Murphy & CuriousSpecimen

Ahhhh.... Twitter is a beautiful place.

And you know what, now that I’ve hit 10,000 I am aching, yearning to hit 100,000.

Game on Twitter!

***If you wanted to follow me I'm at StMurphy!

I can't blog today. Two reasons...

I can't blog today.





I am too emotional.





I am overcome with such a sense of loss I can barely function.





I haven't felt this sad since Susie O'Neill retired from swimming. Or since Will & Grace was cancelled.





Its an absolute double whammy today, a big back-handed slap across the face. First the most devastating news. One of the all-time hottest cops called it a day. My Christopher Meloni announced that he was leaving my beloved Law & Order SVU after 12 glorious seasons. I can not go on... I am too upset. RIP DET. ELLIOT STABLER!

Det. Stabler

And of course, it goes without saying, that today being the final episode ever of Oprah leaves me with a heavy heart. I've watched the last two nights and I've teared up about 3 times each ep - even with that giant layer of cheese. Over the years I have loved Oprah, watched with great regularity (I do have a tv on my desk at work...!). There is now a big whole in my viewing schedule...





Love you Oprah, miss you already!!!

Bye Bye

And just because I can... Here is a nudie shot of Christopher Meloni to put a brief smile on your face on an otherwise sad, sad day.

Hi-FIVE!... Opera House, Planking, Ms G's, Mr MDJ & Bangkok

Just like some of my favourite things... the Spice Girls, the Olympic Rings, 5-star hotels, my right hand... I like things that come in 5's. Today I have 5 little tales from the past few days that will hopefully offer some explanation as to why there have been no posts here recently! Again I say, I am so easily distracted - most commonly by vodka, food and friends.

Tale 1. Jackson and Sam play Tourist.

Jackson is my son who I lost in the divorce, but with our joint custody arrangement (when one of us has to travel) I have my blonde bombshell staying with me for the week. On staurday I got to take Jackson and his step brother Little Sammy on their first trip to the Lady Macquarie’s Chair to see the Opera House and Harbour Bridge. They loved it!!! The sites were spectacular for their little eyes to see.

Sadly what I think they were most interested in though was being the Flower Girls for this gorgeous Japanese couple having their weeding photos.

Tale 2. Planking at The Imperial (and I ain't being dirty)!

Everyone knows I am an absolute victim of popular culture – if anyone else is doing something than I have to join in! Fact! So while out enjoying some fabulous gayness on Saturday night at the Inner West’s very best Impie, and after numerous vodka’s, we decided to do some planking – if KAK can than we sure as hell can as well. My partners in crime where people who should know better and certainly be more mature, Lucky Paulie and Newshound Brad, but somehow I was the only one foolish enough to try.

Of course I made it as easy for myself as possible, I have no core strength, so did it on the dance floor… Laying flat!

Not sure who that is treading on me...

Please note: No one was injured, and this ridiculousless was carried out before the ‘balcony incident’ in Qld. Lucky I only tried it on the floor. AND... I can 100% confirm that a man of a certain age should not go out disco dancing for 6 hours, I could hardly walk on Monday; back, neck and I think I pulled a hammie.

Tale 3. Miss Cal knows her food!

She most certainly does! We went on an exploration of my new neighbourhood on Sunday with the sole purpose of eating lunch. On Miss Cal’s recommendation we stumbled into Ms G’s on Victoria St, Miss Cal had read a great review. Its cute, its funky, it has an atrium with great afternoon sun. We just wanted to be warm so we were happy to wait for a table out the back. Can I just say, so worth the wait!!! The food was spectacular – I loved my wagyu beef in chilli broth with noodles. Miss Cal loved hers too but I can’t remember exactly what it was, too distracted by the wagyu in front of me. The only slight imperfection, as is often the case in the Eastern Suburbs, attiitude does not mean service. Out the back it was great, up the front not so flash. Can be overlooked… I recommend.

Atrium at Ms G's

Tale 4. Mr MDJ has a Birthday!

Thank god I have cool friends who know the cool places to go cause I have literally no idea! Mr MDJ is probably my oldest friend in Syd-er-ney after we met mid-90’s when he was a barman and I was a cocktail waitress at the very (non)glamorous Banana Bar at Taylor Square. When I write my memoirs about memorable nights out Mr MDJ will feature HEAVILY!!! His dear friend, the Cougar, organised a gorgeous birthday dinner at somewhere far too cool and gorgeous for me to even know about called Bar H. The food was AMARSING! The company even better. Jeez, they took good care of us, even when we started shouting and making jokes that I’m sure only we would find funny. Huge thank you to the Cougar for organising, and HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDY Mr MDJ.

Mr MDJ and the gorgeous Cougar

Tale 5. My Birthday ‘escape’ is locked and loaded!!!

For some reason this year I do not want to be in Sydney for my birthday. Normally I force everyone in a 75km radius to celebrate it with me, willingly or not. This year its my 39^th which is such a nothing birthday when you know you have the MASSIVE 40^th celebration next year (mark it in your diaries now people!). And I also I really like the idea of being ‘newly independent St. Murphy’ and going on holidays by myself for the first time in years. After much debate, much indecision and much advice I decided on a week in Bangkok cause it has everything! Only ever had 1 night there and I adored it. Time to go back…

SHOPPING! SHOPPING! SHOPPING!

As luck should have it, one of Mr MDJ’s nearest and dearest is also a very fabulous travel agent. Within the space of, and I swear I am not exaggerating, 2 hours she had the whole thing sorted and booked - all by email. I actually think she may be a genius! I’m calling her Julie McCoy (bonus points if you know why?). Beside myself now, so excited! Six days in Bangkok is just what a 39^th Birthday needs!

LeBua Hotel Sky Bar... where I'll start my evening cocktails!

Fabulous Winter Couch-Wear Fashion brought to you by St. Murphy

I am about to shock and astound you with some of the most brilliant Winter fashions you will ever see! Forget Vogue, St. Murphy is the new home of fashion!

Now regular readers will know how much I love winter and how much I love my couch. This fashion spread combines the two; Couch-wear Fashion! I have never been so excited to post on St. Murphy. Lets get started. First up is the soon-to-be world famous Icelandic knitting factory, Vík Prjónsdóttir. I was introduced to this amazing design house by the glamorous Hamish von Trapp, owner of leiderhosen, JPG man-skirt and a paisley velour suit; he sets all trends! This is their signature piece... The Shield Of Wings.

Shield of WIngs!

And more importantly, here is Hamish on Trapp modelling his very own Shield of Wings! Purchased for an extortionate amount of money from a Melbourne store. Absolutely perfect for winter nights on the couch - and flying through your lounge room!

Hamish von Trapp in full flight!

And don’t think the glamour stops there. Vík Prjónsdóttir have a phenomenal catalogue of products. Please enjoy some of my personal favourites, all classic winter couch-wear.

The Seal Pelt

The Twosome Blanket

The Gentlemen Bearded Cap

A gaggle of Beard Caps

Hamish von Trapp sharing his recent purchase was the catalyst for a search on other up and coming couch-wear designers. There are quite a few! My next personal favourite is the duvet suit from Lazy Patch – HEAVEN!!! Its designed so beautifully you could even leave the house in this baby when you run out of Diet Coke or chocolate.

As modelled by my radio-crush Wippa

Now many will be familiar with the classic Snuggie. The exciting news is they’ve introduced a designer range. I just love love love this designer camouflage Snuggie. It’s very butch couch-wear.

So unbelievably butch! I think this will be my choice.

You always learn so much from Hamish von Trapp. He has also predicted the Monkey Tail Beard will be a hit this winter. Me, I’m not so convinced. Not for me primarily because I am too lazy. If you have the time to master the shape than good luck to you. I’d love to see them on the street or on a shop assistant in Westfield Bondi Junction – that would make my year.

Monkey Tail Beard

And to wrap up my winter fashion spread, lets have Miss Call modeling the Shield of Wings while pulling off the female version of the Monkey Tail Beard.

Heaven! All to be seen in the pages of Vogue soon. Now I just need to decide what to buy for my couch-time...

It's every boys dream to marry a Prince!

I don’t care what anyone says – I am OBSESSED with the Royal Wedding and I will be glued to the television this Friday night!

I mean who doesn’t want to whisked off their feet by a dashing Prince and marry into such extreme wealth that us mere mortals will never comprehend?

Who doesn’t want to have a wedding with an A-List guest list like Will & Kate’s?

It’s every little boys fantasy to marry a 6-foot tall, blonde-haired, blue-eyed Prince who looks so dashing in a uniform and can fly a helicopter. It’s certainly mine!

For the grand occasion I will be perched on the edge of my couch with my best gal, Miss Cal, beside me. Of course we will both be fantasizing that we are Miss Kate Middleton. We will have a fully stocked snack bar of tuna dip, crackers, chocolate and cornchips. We will have a vodka, lime and soda or two to toast the radiant couple. We will mock, scorn and critique every bow, bustle and bouquet. It’s going to be brilliant. How can you not get caught up in such over-the-top pageantry. It will be the campest wedding ever (discounting Posh and Becks who did have those phenomenally OTT thrones).

I spent yesterday morning pouring over the women’s mags absorbing every detail. I desperately want to know Kate’s final decision on whether she will wear the traditional tiara or less conservative flowers? Or the even more troubling question of whether she will go with a half-up, half-down do or something completely left-of-field. Oh the potential controversy astounds me. And you just know we will all be watching and thinking of our beautiful Princess Di looking down on her eldest son with a single tear rolling down her cheek (cue Elton John with English Rose).

It is all pure escapism, the likes of which could never be scripted.  If this wedding was a chick-flick we wouldn’t buy it for a second. That’s how extreme this story/event is.

But through it all I have one little nagging thought chipping away at my happiness. For a wedding, where two souls allegedly become one, there is a complete lack of intimacy. The mere fact it is going to be watched by millions and choreographed down to every second takes all the intimacy out of it for Will and Kate and leaves them just putting on a show. And can you imagine their nerves! They won’t remember a thing after.

I bet they are both just aching to get to the final party of the night, the one where it is just their family and friends. I’m sure that will be the highlight for them. I feel I know them intimately after all I’ve read so I can say this as if I am their bestie.  I hope they get to that party, rip off their veil and tie and cut loose on the dance floor. I hope they do some shots, make requests of the DJ and slide across the dance-floor on their knees. I want them to behave like Harry would!

So I can’t wait for Friday night! More specifically, I can’t wait for 8pm when we get the first full look at the frock! I will be beside myself. After-all, it is every boys dream to marry a prince.

Miss Call and I will be fighting over the Kate mask.

STOP THE PRESSES!!! I've just watched the most brilliant piece of television ever made - the William and Kate telemovie! If you thought I was obsessed before this has taken it to a whole new level. Now I know them INTIMATELY!!!!





** Please note that I just got through a whole post about a wedding without once mentioning that GAYS CAN’T MARRY! In England gays can marry so I will direct my bitterness elsewhere.

The hunt for my Royal Wedding invite begins!

There was an oversight by the Royal Family a few weeks ago when I failed to receive my wedding invite. So I’ve popped myself on a big jet plane to London to get this matter sorted. I’m in London on the hunt for my wedding invite, I shall not return until I have one.

So far I’ve had not much luck making contact. It seems Will and Kate don’t hang out at the same places I do, I’m yet to bump into them. They weren’t at TopMan getting their honeymoon outfits, and they weren’t at the two fabulous gay bars I’ve been to. It also seems they are not hanging out at Cousin M’s house in Walthamstow having a roast chicken dinner like I was. I think I’m going to have to widen my circle if I am to find them. Unless someone has Harry’s mobile number, I’d pay money for that.

But Will and Kate are EVRYWHERE!! And as is my way, I’ve become obsessed with their heads. Lets start with my absolute favourite. The Kate and Will tea towel. Heaven! (A scary Russian man yelled at me for taking the photo instead of buying)

And it just gets tackier and tackier from there. There is literally nothing you can’t find with their glorious mugs on them, including mugs…

Pens, pencils, plates, crockery sets, t’shirts, postcards… And of course your Kate and Will ashtray and matching lighter.

Now I've ruined Xmas cause you've all seen your gifts. The only thing I haven’t found is underwear! How cool would that be to have Will on your jocks. So many jokes to make but so little time.

But it is literally a nation obsessed with the big event. And I think Londoners can be divided in to two categories – those staying in town for it and those who are fleeing. Its like Sydney-siders during the Sydney Olympics. My advice people, stick around as it’s a once in a lifetime.

Now one other casual observation that I want to share… It is also a nation of men obsessed with JEWELLERY! Its seems to be a huge trend here to wear cheap, layered jewellery of every description. All the cool-kids are looking more and more like 80’s Madonna. A quick run through the standards TopMan, H&M, Zara and Next and you’ll find it every where. Here’s what I mean, a selection of long beads you can buy in TopMan. Yes, the Menswear section, no question about it.

Of course, being the victim of popular culture that I am, I’ve picked myself up a lovely trinket. A beautiful, so cheap looking 3in1 silver necklace. So stylish. No, its not too young for me (Snort!). And once I’d made this $5 purchase the question then became “Where the hell am I gonna wear it?”. Work of course!

And the Royal Wedding.